


Forgiveness

by monkey_ei (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Daddy Issues, Fluff, Humanstuck, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-21
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 14:04:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/monkey_ei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taking it back, taking it all back—was the hardest thing Gamzee ever had to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> key should be finishing her ending chapter to everything you are but she wrote sadstuck instead, whoops

 

Taking it back, taking it all back—was the hardest thing Gamzee ever had to do.

He let out a shuddering breath, a white wisp filling the air, as he shivered from the dampness of cold rain clinging to his skin. Gamzee had been standing in the same place for well over two hours despite the chill, his feet unmoving. He felt all too awkward in the dark suit he was wearing compared to his usual attire, the stiffness and confinement a constant annoyance. But he’d thought he’d at least dress respectfully upon visiting the cemetery.

Visiting his father.

The gravestone in front of him looked back at him unflinchingly, mocking him with deeply engraved letters that spelt the name of a man that Gamzee once… _What?_  An almost self-depreciating smile spread across his face that came out more like a grimace.  _Loved? Care for? Shit, I don’t even know…_

He laughed even though he knew nothing was funny, pressing a hand on his face before letting it run through his hair. Try as he might, Gamzee couldn’t ignore the trembling. He didn’t want to be here, he didn’t want to face this bastard, everything he represented in his life, no he didn’t,  _why the fuck was he even here—_

_“Gamzee, please. You need this.”_

He wasn’t surprised when he heard Tavros’ voice echo in his mind, anchoring him down. Aside from remembering Tavros’ words, somewhere along the way of becoming his friend and falling in love with him, Gamzee’s conscience took the form of the comfort of Tavros’ voice, soothing his raging emotions. Though he came alone, Gamzee didn’t feel like it. He really didn’t.

Without preamble, he felt tears burn his eyes and he made no move to stop them.

Because  _he wasn’t motherfucking lonely._

For him, for fucking Gamzee Makara, being alone had once been a part of everyday life and he had to deal with that. He’d never question otherwise. After all: he’d been raised by an all too big house filled with empty memories, abandoned without him being none the wiser.

Sometimes, he took the comfort in remembering foggy memories as a kid, so fucking young, maybe three or four? Where his mom was still around, happy and so fucking beautiful and when his father was there too, a content expression on his face. He remembered laughing, them taking him a nearby park—just being fucking  _happy_.

Gamzee took a deep breath, rubbing his wrist tightly, chaffing dry skin, a habit he learned in rehab to steady himself.  _But now I don’t need it._  He looked up to the deary sky and closed his watery eyes, envisioning the smile on Tavros’ face.  _I don’t need the memories to be happy._

Bring his eyes back down to the grass, he steeled himself before continuing. Gamzee knelt down in front of the grave awkwardly, a dry cough passing through him. “Hey… Dad.”

The silence he got in response made him swallow hard. He cleared his throat and continued,

“So, it’s been…a while. I guess. I mean, it’s been two months since your funeral.” Fuck,  _breathe_ , “Not that I’d know you know that, seeing how you’re dead. Is time relevant for you anymore?” Ugh, goddamnit, “Just… fuck. Dad—“

The rumpled bouquet of flowers in his hand—daffodils—a shitty reminder of what exactly he came here for. Shifting uncomfortable, he placed them down uncertain—brushing stray leaves away while he was at it.

 ”I don’t really… know why I’m here,” Lie. “But I know I need to talk to you.” Truth. “I can’t, I can’t keep letting your ghost haunt me. I was happy. No, fuck that. I AM so fucking happy right now, you have no idea.” He pause for a breath, looking at the chain around his wrist.

Tavros had given it to him for his birthday. Their zodiac signs were intertwined as charms. And even now, Gamzee gave a smiled at the thought. ”I met, the most wonderful person ever, dad. I love him with all my heart, and fuck, I just want to keep him forever. I wanna marry him, I want to stay with him. I just,  _He makes me happy_.”

Another silent pause rang out at his omission. Gamzee looked up, eyes searching helplessly at the gravestone in front of him, seeking acceptance even now. But the solemn feel of neglect came back, as the name of his father stared at him blankly.

Gamzee’s hands trembled, for what, he didn’t know. ”You were never around, you know. Not for birthdays, not for the holidays. You were gone. I dealt with that the best as a motherfucker could. But then you… you fucking ABANDONED ME.” The sheering hurt in his chest made him gasp shallowly for breath, gulping harshly.

“I was six-motherfucking-TEEN. And I was receiving EVICTION NOTICES for my birthday. Not a card, not a note. No, not NOTHING. You stopped paying the bills apparently, and the only thing you ever gave me, a fucking house, was taken from me. Because of YOU.” Gamzee choked on the fist in his throat.”Without Karkat, without  _him_ , I’d be nowhere. I was on the streets, homeless. Strung out on drugs, a drop out. A fucking picture perfect person of society…”

He looked at his hands aimlessly, looking for an answer that wasn’t there.

“I hated you.”

His voice was quiet, almost muted, but it was there. He said it and he heard it. And it felt good because Gamzee could finally fucking say it.

“I hated you so motherfucking much! Everything you’ve done to me, everything you didn’t—you had the nerve to ask me to come to your death bed, to watch you die. You fucking bastard. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT  _YOU DID TO ME_?”

His shout echoed the dreary cemetery long after he stopped to pant, his eyes blurring with tears. Gamzee fell to his knees, no longer able to support himself. The grass was cold, wet and muddy, staining and soaking through his clothes. But what did he care for; it didn’t matter, no,  _not to him._

But the gravestone was silent, not a sound retorted to his anger. And Gamzee felt his rage burn out within him, no longer fueled by anything but the quiet. It’s hard to stay angry at a dead person, Gamzee thought and he wanted to laugh again, but he felt as if his energy had been stripped of him.

“…I always wanted to ask why. Why you’d abandon me? What you’d leave? Did you hate me? Was it something I did?” He asked weakly, his raged burned out. 

Gamzee tried to ignore the tears that made their way down his face, vacant of any face paint. But it did nothing. “But you never even gave me an answer. Ten years after you just disappeared, ten years after I put myself back together, ten years since I met Tavros— _you came back_.”

Shallow breathing filled his ear, “Lung cancer apparently, and it was a fucking whim that you decided to contact me on your fucking death bed. And even then you didn’t say a motherfucking thing but to forgive you. But for what? Dad, for what?”

“You leaving? You regretted it? I don’t know. Did you think I did? Because I just don’t, I…” Gamzee swallowed harshly feeling his limit—

_“Gamzee. You can do this.”_

That was all he need. 

Gamzee grieved. 

“…D-Dad… I… I forgive you. I fucking forgive you. I just,” Gamzee let out a broken sob that masquerade as a laugh, feeling the stupid tears run down his face. On his hands and knees, he just cried. Cried because yeah, his father was dead. His dad was gone. He’d gotten his wish from all those years ago. But here he was, forgiving the man that hurt him in more ways than he ever thought he could be hurt.

Gamzee cried because he still loved his father. Loved him enough to forgive him.

 -

By the time Gamzee resurfaced, the chill had become harsher and he shivered from the mud on his ruined suit. His eyes ached and his body felt drained, from emotions? From his confession? He didn’t know. 

Yet at the same time, Gamzee felt like nothing had changed. Because nothing really had. His father was dead. His father abandoned him. But something was different.  _I just don’t know what._

His eyes looking at the stone listlessly before he found to energy to rise from his place in the grass. Gamzee stood tall, looking worse for wear and  _finally_ walked away.

Feet unsure with each step forward with eyes that refuse to look back, Gamzee felt an odd balance within himself. He’d finally gotten closure. Finally gotten through it all. And he couldn’t say he felt any different. Or anything at all really, a hollow feeling rang out through him but it felt measured. Almost as if—

Gamzee slowed to a halt as he raised his head with wide eyes. He’d never mistaken that old ratty Beetle anywhere, and it was parked right outside the entrance to the cemetery. For some reason he wasn’t surprised to see Tavros standing there, leaning against that abominable car, holding an umbrella. Waiting for him with that concern expression, filled with love and care—

And Gamzee felt it. The flood of inner warmth feeling the hollowness in his being, making him feel absolute whole and fulfilled. He felt a tired grin stretch across his face, but his eyes never wavered from Tavros. He wondered if he’d ever find the words to express just how much Tavros meant to him, or gave him. A second chance, a priceless love that grew with each day, or a home, in his always welcoming arms.

No, he didn’t think he’d would. As he took to a run, Gamzee felt like maybe it was alright to not have the words. He had a feeling, as he rushed to grab a startled Tavros within his arms to spin him around without warning, that Tavros understood regardless. The warm laughter that spilt from his lips spread through his body and made Gamzee want to sing. Yeah, this was his little miracle. His very own.

“I love you.”

“Heheh, I love you too.”

And that was all Gamzee needed.

—

[My wandering soul…found solace at last…   
  
The heart that I stole… I’m not given back.   
  
Never given back.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiukiZhk_lc)

 

[  
](http://keychainet.tumblr.com/post/29871465196/forgiveness-gamzee-pbj-fanfiction)


End file.
